u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The power of my boobs compel you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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