So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
