the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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