Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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