Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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