She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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