You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
