My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize