My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
