How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
