so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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