you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
lol hangovers are for mortals.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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