We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
