LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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