Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
