Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think my moral compass just broke
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