Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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