I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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