Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
