I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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