What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
