I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
