funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
