At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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