I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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