I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
