According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
not ubering you a puppy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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