My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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