you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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