i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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