Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
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She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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