Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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