Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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