she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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