Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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