Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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