im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
