You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
