Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
