My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
