This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
