Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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