you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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