i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
