you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
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his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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