Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
