paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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