Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
