Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
