So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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