Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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