Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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