I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
