Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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