I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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