Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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