Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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