dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
