why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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