we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
