He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
