At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
In other news, I just burned my penis
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