She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
