i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
